He's gone...............

I can't believe it!!! I still can't believe it!!!! I got up this morning, thinking maybe Uncle Quill was going to get better. After seeing him last night so peaceful and talking a little. So I got the dishes done and started getting a little more organized in case I got a call.....sure enough, my mom says they only give him minutes. I couldn't even think what to do next. My dad called and said he was on his way that I wouldn't have to go over since maybe not a whole lot left to do. I couldn't just sit here at home. Yet, I had my kids and Callie. Anita called and offered to help me in anyway. So I checked if I could leave Callie & Cooper with her for the 'minutes.' I called Hackworth's for Maddie to go and get on the bus there. Packed all the lunches and took Eli with me. I got there and my heart just sank. His cheeks were flush and he had a high fever. Mom kept changing the wash cloth on his forehead. His blood pressure was even lower. The hospice nurse came in again and showed us more signs of his failing health....legs, finger nails, breathing, etc. It was comforting to see our family there that could come. My dad and mom, Grandpa & Grandma Hartzler, Dale & Beth, Jim & Janice and my sister, Joy. I guess I was still in denial because I still thought he would pull through!!! I just didn't think he would possibly die, at least not today. I really didn't!! He seemed to still be hanging on. Brenda was on her way from California. I decided to call Anita and tell her I would pick up the kids and take them home for naps. I left after 12:30PM. Joy stayed with Grandma and Aunt Beth. Dad & Mom left to go to the airport. We all just thought we would stop back in later.....

The kids get off the bus at 3:40. Grandma called, Joy called, Joanna called....he was gone...3:40PM. I was in shock....still in shock. I wanted to see him laying there peacefully. I called Jolene to come and stay with the kids while I go for a last visit. He was laying there so peaceful-no difficulty breathing, no oxygen machine, no moving, not flinching any body parts, not trying to talk. I touched his face and arm and it was still warm. I still didn't have much emotion. No one had anything to say. I just sat there beside him in the chair. Still feeling like he could here my talking. Hospice (Billie--God bless her!) came in and said she would call Gillman's. We just all started cleaning out his room and carried everything out to my van and took it to his garage. We watched the funeral home come and take him out.

I got home and the kids had so many questions. I talked with them for awhile and still not really realizing that he was actually gone. I think it would be fair to say that Uncle Quill was the closest great-uncle I knew. I could call him anytime, stop over anytime to talk, to tell him anything that was on my mind and he just listened. He didn't like much fuss over him. I could always find a cold Pepsi when I stopped in. He would always put something on his TV on for the kids. He would stop in anytime and would help with the kids or anything I needed. He bundled up newspaper and magazines with strings for us to use for firewood. I could just talk to him anytime and he didn't seem to have any other cares in the world. I know he had a tough life. I would try to ask him a few times. We either got interrupted or he just told me not to make big things out of little things. I could actually tell him how stubborn he was and he sometimes would get mad but we were still friends. Well, that's just a few things that come to my mind at this time of night.

Joy came over and I told her to bring us a pizza because I didn't feel like cooking. I actually started feeling sick. Not sure if from emotions, exhaustion or just the flu. Stephanie called and offered to take the kids to church. Joy & I got them dressed and took over the 4 youngest. Molly is at Erin Harris and Megan came with us to spend the evening at Grandpa & Grandma Hartzler's. People dropped off food, calls and visits. What a wonderful family I'm part of!! JP & Crystal, Sam & Joy and Doug stayed the evening. Janice is planning the funeral meals.

TRACE.....little Trace....had a set back today. He has a hole in his lung. The oxygen they are giving him is filling up his chest cavity. They are all ready for surgery and are going to be watching him closely.

I'm sitting here well after midnight wondering why I can't sleep. I didn't think nights like this would come for me so soon. This is the 2nd night this week. Maybe because Milan is gone. He's been gone before and I sleep fine. Maybe I just needed to catch up on my blog and express some 'inner feelings'. Well, I did just that and some so I better try to get some sleep.